


When I Look In The Mirror (Is that still me?)

by TheHomestuckWhovian



Series: Shatt Week 2017 (AKA I'm sorry I'm trash) [2]
Category: Voltron: Legendary Defender
Genre: Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, M/M, Shatt Week 2017
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-08-14
Updated: 2017-08-14
Packaged: 2018-12-15 07:31:39
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,624
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11801367
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/TheHomestuckWhovian/pseuds/TheHomestuckWhovian
Summary: After hearing about Operation Kuron and reports of things he never did, Shiro begins questioning himself.





	When I Look In The Mirror (Is that still me?)

**Author's Note:**

> **Day 2:** _Fears/Phobias **/** ~~Angst **/** Dark! Matt/Dark! Shiro/Dark! Shatt~~_
> 
> Poor Shiro. He's the one who has to go through this shit.
> 
> This is a sequel to the previous story in this series.

Shiro and Sam sat in the mission control, watching the security camera feed Matt had connected them to on the Galra ship. Gela, the leader of the rebellion, was looking purely analytically at the situation, while Sam had a look of concern and pride.

Matt and his partner in this mission, Xyne, burst into the room. Xyne reminded Shiro of Keith in this situation, brutally slicing through the bots. Her technique was different though, probably due to physical and cultural differences.

Meanwhile, Matt swiftly knocked a bot aside, swept his staff to send another to the ground, and scooped up the fallen laser rifle. He shot the two he was battling in quick succession before turning the gun on a bot sneaking up behind Xyne.

...Okay, Shiro was trying to be objective, but he was super proud and maybe ogling his best friend a bit so he needed to fucking chill.

Gela turned to him, saying, "Do you have any insight, Paladin?"

Shiro, snapped out of his ogling, flushed and stammered, "Yeah, they...uh...fight good?"

Sam snorted as Shiro turned an even brighter red, patting his shoulder and saying, "Sorry, Commander Gela. Shiro was distracted. I am very impressed with your operations here. You function better than the Garrison."

"Everything functions better than the Garrison," Shiro noted, bitterness reaching his tone. "Still, I'm impressed. I think Matt could actually fight me now instead of just jokingly challenging me every time I piss him off."

" _You know I can hear you?_ " Matt's voice said over the comm, and Shiro could see his raised eyebrow on screen.

"You were supposed to," Shiro answered, smirking.

Gela snorted at Shiro and Matt's antics, noting, "Holt is one of our best operatives. It'll be a shame to let him go when Voltron retrieves you, but I imagine he will prove even more useful working with you and the other Paladins and acting as our representative in diplomatic negotiations."

"I'm sure both Voltron and the Blade of Marmora will be happy to work with you."

Gela nodded, noting, "If you could, I would like to ask if the Blade would be willing to offer protection to a defected scientist we have with us. We have promised her safety, but there are those who do not trust any Galra in my organization, no matter which side they fall in this war. I believe she would be safer with the Blade."

"I'll speak to their leader about it," Shiro promised.

" _Hey Shiro. Is this you?_ "

He looked up at the screen to see Matt gesturing to a garbage chute.

"Matt, don't talk shit about your home like that," Shiro mockingly scolded, causing Xyne to snicker as Matt gasped in response, placing his hand over his chest as if he was greatly offended.

* * *

Matt was messing around on his tablet, biting his lip in concentration as he lounged on the couch, his legs on top of Shiro's lap.

"Geez, all this information about Operation Kuron is ridiculously encrypted," Matt muttered as he worked. "If I had Katie here, we'd probably still need a week to get everything."

Shiro blinked, tilting his head. "Operation...Kuron?"

"Yep," Matt answered, looking up from his tablet. "The scientist that we are protecting was involved in the project, though she didn't know much about all of it. We actually found you while investigating it." He shrugged. "Probably should have started decrypting this a week ago, but with you and Dad back, I put it off to catch up with you both. Which I have no regrets, so don't worry your pretty head about it."

Shiro smiled at Matt, noting, "Not so pretty any more."

Matt gasped. "Hunkules, your head is absolutely gorgeous."

The two teased each other, but even as he made fun of Matt, Shiro couldn't help but think how odd it was, that the operation was named the Japanese word for clone.

* * *

Gela hummed, looking from their screen. "Vakala and Gyrax have not arrived to retrieve their monthly supplies." They looked at Matt and Xyne, noting, "I'm sending you two out there to see what is going on and make sure they are safe."

"You got it," Matt promised saluting. Xyne rolled her eyes and shook her head at Matt.

"You be careful out there, buddy," Shiro told Matt, resting his arm on his best friend's shoulders. "Let me know the moment you get back."

"I will. Promise."

* * *

"Gela, this is Holt. Vakala and Gyrax have lost their shuttle, which is why they haven't left for supplies. Xyne and I are bringing them to headquarters to get them a new shuttle so they can get their supplies and continue their mission. Let Shiro know that if he touches anything of mine, he is in for a world of pain."

* * *

Shiro and Sam were in the hangar, waiting as the ship landed and Matt headed out, talking thoroughly with the shorter alien while the taller one spoke to Xyne.

The shorter alien looked at Shiro, blinked, then asked, "What are you doing here?"

"What?" Shiro asked, confused.

The short alien scowled, "We gave up our shuttle so you could go find Voltron. How did you end up here?"

"I-I've never met you before," Shiro said, concerned. "When did you see me?"

"Vakala, Shiro was retrieved from a Galra ship by me and Xyne," Matt added. "Are you sure it was him?"

"Well, his hair was longer, but he has the same white streak and scar over his nose," Vakala answered. "I swear it was him who we found. He apparently escaped from the Galra and was trying to get back to Voltron after helping to defeat Zarkon."

Operation Kuron. Clone.

What...what was going on?

Matt blinked, then said, "Thanks for explaining, Vakala. Go talk to Gela about your new shuttle."

* * *

Shiro was sitting on the couch, his head leaned back to stare at the ceiling. Matt had passed out, snoring softly as his head was leaned against Shiro.

...Was he even really Shiro? What if he was just...a copy? Did Matt save a copy instead of him?

Were these memories he had even his own? Were they just implanted to make him believe he was the original Shiro?

He grimaced. Matt had seemed so happy to have Shiro back, but what if he wasn't Shiro?

What if?

* * *

There was a lot of fear in Shiro's life right now.

He was afraid of being a prisoner again. Afraid of hard metal tables and being strapped to them. Afraid of the arm he had, a weapon that he didn't even fully understand. Afraid of hurting the people he loved. Afraid of forgetting. Afraid of remembering. Afraid of Matt hating him for what he did. Afraid of admitting he wanted more in his relationship with Matt. Afraid of being alone.

He pushed through that because he had to be a leader. He couldn't let the constant terror at the back of his mind control him, or he would bring his team down with him. Even separate from them, he focused on keeping himself together to keep Matt and Sam from worrying.

But, the realization that he might not be who he thought he was, that he might be just a poor substitute. A clone.

It was overwhelming. And he was terrified that that was what he was. That he was going to learn that he was just a simulacrum. 

How would Matt react? Would he yell? Would he hurt him? What would he do?

Shiro knew he should tell him, knew that he should admit to Matt that there was the possibility that he wasn't really Shiro. But the fear of what would happen make him silent, unable to tell Matt the truth.

He hated himself for being unable to be honest, and he hated himself for not being able to be certain he was the real Shiro.

* * *

Gela burst into the lounge area, grinning.

"Voltron has contacted us!" they announced excitedly. "The Princess and the Paladins will be arriving in two quintants to discuss an alliance! Holt, you and Xyne will meet them and bring them in to talk to us. I will wait in mission control with Shiro and Commander Holt until you have insured everything is secure!"

Matt looked at Shiro, a bright smile on his face that made Shiro's heart both soar and sink, and asked, "You ready to be back with them?"

Shiro, pretending that the terror just under the surface didn't exist, returned the smile. "As I'll ever be."

* * *

Shiro thought it was kind of funny how Gela had decided to watch Matt and Xyne meet Voltron through the cameras instead of actually meeting them themself with them. Then he remembered who would be with the Paladins and decided it was probably a good thing. Matt would get to reunite with Pidge and meet all of the Paladins and Allura.

The doors opened, and in first came Allura, wearing pink Paladin armor. Shiro was confused at first, wondering why she wore the armor, until Keith walked in after her and he saw the Black Bayard in Keith's hand. Ah, Keith had become leader, like Shiro had asked of him. And part of him felt guilty at that, remembering how little Keith had wanted to take that role. He would make sure to apologize when they properly saw each other in person, in a few moments.

Lance followed close behind, and those two were followed by Hunk and Pidge side by side. He instantly saw Matt's jaw drop, and Pidge stiffen before ripping her helmet off.

" _Matt!_ "

" _Katie?_ "

The two barreled into each other, wrapping their arms around each other and practically collapsing on the ground, and Shiro could hear the cries of relief. Shiro could see Sam cover his mouth with his hand, looking about to cry himself, and gave a tiny smile.

" _Matt!_ "

Shiro's eyes snapped back to the screen, and he saw a very familiar figure in black armor and no, no no _no no no._

Matt looked up from his sister to see Shiro, in Black Paladin armor, his face lit up at seeing Matt. And Shiro could feel his world crashing down, because this was it. This was the proof. He felt tears come to his eyes, as part of him accepted that he wasn't really Shiro, that Matt really was going to hate him for this, that-

He heard the sound of something slamming into the ground and looked at the screen again.

Matt was scowling and had Shiro pinned to the ground, his foot square on Shiro's back and having twisted Shiro's arm behind his back.

" _Who the fuck are you?_ " Matt asked, his voice hostile.

" _Matt!_ " Pidge shouted, grabbing her brother's arm. " _That's Shiro! Remember?_ "

Matt looked up at her, and scoffed. " _Katie, I've been best friends with Shiro for years before we even went to Kerberos. I know that man better than I know myself. And I know for a fact that the_ actual _Shiro is currently in mission control with Dad and the leader of this rebellion, so whoever the fuck this is, he isn't Shiro_." He spared a glance at the Shiro he had currently pinned to the ground. " _I also know that Shiro would never have that haircut. And, even though you aren't the real Shiro, I feel very sorry for you because that is not that good of a look on you._ "

Gela quickly leaned over the comm, asking, "Holt, do you need any assistance?"

Xyne responded, " _No, I think he's got it, Commander. I doubt his sister will allow any of them to hurt him._ "

Shiro felt Sam rest a hand on his arm and looked up. The man quickly wrapped him in a hug, assuring him, "Everything is alright, Shiro." And Shiro felt so overwhelmed with fear and relief that he just allowed Sam to comfort him as tears dripped from his face.

* * *

"How did you know?" Shiro asked.

The two were alone, sitting on the couch. The other Paladins were arranging a formal alliance with Gela, and the other Shiro had immediately requested the removal of his prosthetic and to be escorted back to the ship, which Xyne had offered to do for them. Shiro had seen the devastated look on the other Shiro's face, and immediately recognized it. He had been feeling that same way at first, until Matt had immediately proved his own fears wrong.

Pidge had looked at Matt and the original Shiro and simply stated she'd talk to Matt later, though the way she eyed Shiro made him feel uncomfortable, as if she was judging him from an entirely new angle.

Matt shrugged, leaning his head against Shiro's shoulder, and explained, "He looked younger. Kind of like you did on your five and one-fourth birthday?"

"Can we just call it my twenty-first and be done with that?"

"Never." Matt smiled, before adding, "The scar also. It looked...too perfect? As if someone had taken a scalpel and cut his face. Your scar isn't like that." He sighed. "And...the way he stood there...he didn't seem like you at all. Too stiff and unsure. You always manage to stand as if you are confident and certain, even when you aren't. You've been doing that since before we graduated at the Garrison, and it's only got worse since you became the Black Paladin."

Shiro sighed. "I feel...bad for him. I don't think he realized he was a clone. That must have been hard."

"He'll be okay," Matt promised. "We'll figure out why he was there."

He nodded, and Matt placed a hand on his own.

"I...I thought it was me," Shiro admitted. "Kuron...it's the Japanese word for clone, Matt. And I honestly thought that...that you would hate me when you discovered the truth. That you would hate me for lying to you even though I never meant to."

"Takashi, I could never hate you," Matt assured him, grabbing his hand and squeezing. "You...you have been my best friend for years. You willingly risked your life to save mine because I was too scared to do anything but panic. Goddammit, I wish I was able to repay you for everything you've done for me, but I don't even know where to start. You are one of the most important people in my life, and a part of my family. I trust you, okay? And I know you, and you'd rather die than betray that trust. And that...that terrifies the fuck out of me. Because dammit, I lost you once, and I never want to lose you again."

Shiro could feel the emotion in those words, and every part of his brain was screaming at him not to get false hope, not to think more of that than Matt probably meant.

Matt bit his lip, saying, "Just...talk to me, next time you are scared. Because I'm here, okay? And I'm not one of the kids you've got to protect. I can be there for you when you need me to be. You just have to talk to me."

Shiro looked Matt in his big brown eyes and answered, "Okay. But, you have to do the same for me, okay?"

He nodded smiling. "Okay. Promise."

The two fistbumped, and Shiro allowed himself to relax.

Things weren't...perfect. There was still a clone of him to worry about, and Shiro still was so deathly afraid of a lot of things. But, with Matt holding his hand and quietly assuring him, Shiro decided maybe he could be okay. For right now though, he focused on the boy he was terrified to admit he loved and hoped for things to be okay.

**Author's Note:**

> Okay this is not as good as the first in my opinion but I need to get this _done_! So, here you go! I hope it does okay. I'm going to go take a shower and cry a little bit now.


End file.
